"About Four and a Half Months"

You know how you have those experiences that make you cry, but you know you'll laugh about them later? Well, I'm finally to the point where I can laugh about this... sort of.

My cute pregnant cousin just posted pictures of her little baby bump on her blog: http://erikandnichole.blogspot.com/. It reminded me of one of my most humiliating moments and I thought I would share it for your reading enjoyment.

It was about a year and a half ago... I was leaving Colorado for my initial Delta training. I had just returned from a cruise where I was well-fed (see picture which is about a week before this incident.) This was also about 9 months after my car accident and consequently, I wasn't in the greatest shape because of my recent injuries. So, I was sitting outside of security at Denver Int'l Airport going through my bag and gathering up all of my liquids for my quart-size bag. My bag was on the floor and I was in the oh-so-flattering position of leaning over it when a woman approached me.

Woman: Would you like a bottle of water? We didn't know we couldn't take them through security and we have a ton of unopened bottles that we are going to have to throw away.

Me: No thank you. I'm about to head through security myself.

Woman: Oh, but you should take it. You need it for the baby.

It took me a moment to realize what she was talking about. I was mortified. This lady actually thought I was pregnant?!? (I guess my shirt was fitted. And I was sitting and leaning over so my belly was all squished into a mound--of fat, NOT baby-- though, is that even better? And small-chestedness unfortunately does makes the stomach look bigger simply by comparison and lack of contrast.) However, I wanted to spare myself any conflict and further humiliation so I simply took the bottle and said thanks, thinking that would end this awful conversation.

But no...

Woman: So, how far along are you?

Me: (Thinking to myself.) Crap!! She is genuinely trying to be nice and I don't have the heart to humiliate her. I'm already humiliated and there's no going back on that, but she's still feeling happy and charitable, so why ruin her day, too? Oh crap, again! What do I say? Umm... how far along are my friends when they've started to show?

Me: (This time out loud.) Um, about four and a half months.

Me: (To myself again.) Crap, crap, and crap again! Pregnant women ALWAYS answer in weeks, not months (which I never really understood). Now she's going to catch me in my lie. Please, lady, just go away.

Woman: Ooooh! (Beaming like a proud mother) Congratulations!

And then, THANK HEAVENS, she walked away. I gulped down the water, holding back tears, and tried to quickly finish up digging out my liquids. As I did so, I inconspicuously switched a ring from my right hand to my left ring finger in case she looked at me again. (I mean, at least she would think I was pregnant and married.) Then I finished, gathered up my things, and went toward a garbage bin to throw away the water bottle before heading through the screening checkpoint.

But this story does not end here.

As I was walking back toward security to get in line, the lady approached me again. (I am NOT exaggerating this story one bit. If anything, she might have gone on and on about names, due dates, gender, etc. while I sat there dumbly and made up answers. But it was so surreal that I am only recounting what I actually remember her saying for sure.)

Woman: I just have to tell you, I am SOOO glad you are actually pregnant because I NEVER assume someone is pregnant. But I just had a feeling about you. I could tell. You simply glow! Well, congratulations again. I hope you have a good trip.

Me: Thanks. You too.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Are you serious?!? I definitely couldn't correct her now. What kind of a human being would I be to let her drag it out like that and THEN correct her? (How about the kind of human being who lies about being pregnant?) So I tried not to make eye contact with her in the security line. Thank goodness she was still pawning off water so I was able to get past security without another word. And that's when I lost it. I started bawling and called my mom. I told her the whole story. Then I called my sister and repeated the whole, horrible incident again.

Then and there I decided I was NEVER wearing that t-shirt again. EVER. Not even if I am really pregnant. And if someone ever asks me again if I am pregnant when I am not, I will correct them immediately. I swear. (Or maybe, once again, I would not have the heart to ruin someone else's day once mine has already been obliterated.)

But for sure, I was going to start doing sit ups; ...and maybe even start saving for a breast augmentation. (Contrast. Remember?)

Keepin' Busy

I've been keeping myself mostly busy lately. I've been lucky enough to have THREE weeks off, but I will basically be working non-stop from Thanksgiving to New Year's, if that is any consolation to anyone. My latest obsession is sewing. There is something about the mix of designing and creating that speaks to me. Joann's has replaced Target on the top of my favorite shopping haunts list. (Look at me being all domestic and stuff.)

My latest creation is a shaggy quilt... my first one. I have to say it is A LOT of work, probably because I didn't use a pattern or guidelines and ended up cutting my squares ridiculously small. However, I was extremely pleased by the outcome--although my 4-year-old nephew seemed pretty non-plussed by the mere "blanket" I gave him for his birthday. I did stop at the dollar store to add a few toys to his gift since he seems to think a present is a toy. (He said my mom's birthday gift--homemade football pj's--wasn't "a good present.") But my niece, Brooklyn, was in love with the blanket and says she wants her own quilt. So I went and bought fabric to make her one for her birthday, although I said I would never make another one because of how tedious they are. Maybe bigger squares will help. I'll have to let you all know...

Meanwhile, I mentioned a few posts ago that I am making "a list." This is otherwise known as a "five-year plan," which I should have done 5-10 years ago. The list is a work in progress, as am I, but so far, I have a few ideas formulating:

1. Take an online class or two each semester and get my Masters degree--in social work. Hopefully I can start a second career (alongside flying) as a counselor. I would like to specialize in PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, since I am very familiar with it and how it works from my experience with my car crash. I have already been accepted back at the U of Utah and will be registering for Spring 2010 classes shortly! Yeah!! :)

2. Get financially "fit." This is a more complex and private one, but I am working on a plan to save more and get out of debt (school loans) faster.

3. Get more spiritually "fit." This is also complex and is a list in and of itself. I am changing a lot of my media habits (switching to young adult books that are less explicit, cutting out questionable movies, etc.) I listen to mellow music, but I'm nixing the "love songs" category (although it is my favorite) because there is no use in pining over things that I may never have. It confuses me in my relationship with HF because I know he has other plans for me right now. This category also includes working on SELF-DISCIPLINE. This is the #1 rule on the list of happiness. I used to be soooo disciplined at an early age, but I think I "peaked" early and was overwhelmed and so the pendulum swung the other way. It's time to balance it back out. This category also includes spending more time praying, pondering, studying, AND writing in my journal.

4. Get physically fit. Not that I'm out of control, but a breakup puts me on my "self-indulgence" diet. Sadly, I am more motivated to be in shape when I am dating someone--out of respect for them. That is backwards, I know, and that is why I am going to work harder at eating better and being more active. No diets, no marathons, just a concerted effort to do better and make better choices. (I tried to be super skinny once, and I didn't like it. I love food too much. And I think I look all right now, mostly. Thank goodness I have 5 feet and 9 inches for the calories to spread out over or I would be in sorry shape.) A gradual 10-15 pounds off would be ideal and that's what I'm aiming for over the next 6 months, with lifelong maintenance.

5. Work on my writing. I wrote a children's book several years back and have yet to even try to get it published. My dad has encouraged me in this area. As many of you know, my dad is a writer, although it took him the greater part of his life to find that path. He thinks I am a great writer and "definitely smart enough" to write something. What I lack is the discipline to do it, hence my goal to be more self-disciplined. I actually took my flight attendant job thinking I would have a lot of time on my hands (layovers and days off) to pursue my writing. It has yet to happen, but just a few days ago, I started brainstorming on an idea for a book. Any suggestions?

6. Get involved in "a cause." Another reason I took my job as a flight attendant is because I thought the free flight benefits would be a good way for me to realize my ideas of doing service in third world countries. I would like to be involved in something that helps poor children and women better their lives, and eventually better their countries... maybe literacy or my teaching background (or Spanish) will help. Recently, I read an article about an adoption program for Russian orphans that a friend of our family heads up. So, over the next year, I want to avail myself to some options that will help me get involved in something bigger than myself. I have time and talent to give, but not much money. Again, any suggestions?

So that's me, keeping busy. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

Paris and Istanbul Pictures

I've been having a little trouble with my laptop lately so it took me forever to get these pictures posted. Perhaps I have too many photos slowing down my system?

Anyway, I just spent three hours uploading them to Facebook and adding my commentary on each one. The format there is a little easier to work with when I have so many pictures to post, so here is the public link so you can check them out: Click here to see my Paris and Istanbul Pictures on Facebook

You don't have to have a Facebook account to view them. They are a little out of order but I am too tired to fix them at the moment. There is a funny story behind this picture, but you will have to click on the link to read it. Enjoy!

Ten Rules of Happiness

Today I am getting ready to go to Paris--doing laundry, cleaning, etc. I am very content and happy with my life right now. I've realized through many of the events of the past few months how important it is to surround myself with positive people. I no longer have patience (and I'm a pretty patient person) for people who are wishy-washy, negative, and non-committal. Relationships of any kind, in my opinion, are more a matter of choice than emotion. Love is a decision that does not waver through the fickle emotions of the heart nor day to day irritations, but one that requires determination and commitment to endure. ...Just ask my parents, lol. I get a little irritable when I'm tired which was the case on my whirlwind trip to Istanbul. Thank heavens my family understands the concept of unconditional love. We all just "say it like it is" and move on without grudges. That's just the way we are and I love my family for that. There is something beautiful about not having to watch your every word because you know that no matter what you say, the listener knows your true heart and will separate the chaff from the grain and understand that your intentions are not to hurt people you love.

There is a lot I could say about Istanbul, but I'm not one to offer a travel log when one can go online and see everything that I saw. I will say that it was charming, historic and I had an amazing time. It will be easier for you to "see it through my eyes" once I get my pictures up. Unfortunately, I left the cord to my camera in Utah at my parents' home and so I'm unable to put my Istanbul pictures online right now. I know a post without pictures totally sucks, and this is my fourth one in a row. (Thanks for reading anyway!) So instead, I will leave you with one of my favorite "lists."

Ten Rules of Happiness
by President David O. McKay

1. Develop yourself by self-discipline.
2. Joy comes through creation - sorrow through destruction. Every living thing can grow: Use the world wisely to realize soul growth.
3. Do things which are hard to do.
4. Entertain upbuilding thoughts. What you think about when you do not have to think shows what you really are.
5. Do your best this hour, and you will do better the next.
6. Be true to those who trust you.
7. Pray for wisdom, courage, and a kind heart.
8. Give heed to God's messages through inspiration. If self-indulgence, jealousy, avarice, or worry have deadened your response, pray to the Lord to wipe out these impediments.
9. True friends enrich life. If you would have friends, be one.
10. Faith is the foundation of all things - including happiness.

Here, There, and Everywhere

Keeping busy is always a good way out of a hard time. Life is good. I am happy. I am travelling... a ton! I just got back from a last-minute trip to Jo'burg, South Africa while I was on reserve for work this past weekend. I am typing this from JFK airport as I await my flight to Istanbul with my parents. This is my first international trip I have taken while not working! My parents are taking a cruise out of Istanbul on the 9th and decided to go a few days early. Since they already had a hotel, they asked me to join them for a few days until they have to board their ship. I'll only be there 2 1/2 days, but when airfare is free, it's a no-brainer.

On the 15th, I am working a trip to Paris! I have a two-night layover, which is somewhat rare. I am elated to actually have time to see the city and my company is paying for my hotel--next to the Eiffel Tower--to boot. Woo hoo! See what throwing myself into my work can do? It's a good thing I have a job that I really love. :) I knew that life was good, I just had to focus on the things I can control and in doing so find the beauty and joy in life.

I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to see so many places. I feel even more blessed to have so many family and friends who have expressed their love and support for me in so many ways. I'm back to my old happy self again, but this time just a little wiser and a little stronger. Thank you all.

X-O-X-O-X-O-X-O

In My Reach

I'm a firm believer in Ecclesiastes 3:1-15... There is a time and season for everything. For me, I have to take the time to "mourn" a loss so I can be able to feel joy again. I have to really feel my emotions so I can purge them and move on. It doesn't usually take me too long but it always involves a process that includes soul searching and redefining my life. I tend to find a lot of inspiration in music. Somehow lyrics seem to help me understand what I am feeling and remind me to be strong and hang in there. These are the lyrics for the song that has inspired me most at this time... (excuse the grammar, that's how it is written, lol.)

Out of Reach (song from Bridget Jones' Diary)

Knew the signs Wasn't right. I was stupid for a while. Swept away by you. And now I feel like a fool. So confused, My hearts bruised. Was I ever loved by you?

CHORUS: Out of reach, so far, I never had your heart. Out of reach, Couldn't see, We were never meant to be.

Catch myself From despair. I could drown If i stay here. Keeping busy everyday, I know I will be OK. But I was So confused, My hearts bruised. Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far, I never had your heart. Out of reach, Couldn't see, We were never meant to be.

So much hurt, So much pain. Takes a while to regain What is lost, inside. And I hope that in time you'll be out of my mind and I'll be over you. But now I'm So confused, My hearts bruised. Was I ever loved by you? Out of reach, So far, I never had your heart. Out of reach, Couldn't see, We were never Meant to be. Out of reach,So far, you never gave your heart.

In my reach, I can see, There's a life out there For me.

The inspiring part of this song was that "in my reach there's a life out there for me." The next song on my CD is Whitney Houston's One Moment in Time. I highlighted the parts that spoke to me:

Each day I live I want to be a day to give the best of me. I'm only one, but not alone. My finest day is yet unknown. I broke my heart for every gain, To taste the sweet, I faced the pain. I rise and fall, Yet through it all this much remains; I want one moment in time, When I'm more than I thought I could be; When all of my dreams Are a heart beat away And the answers are all up to me. Give me one moment in time When I'm racing with destiny. Then in that one moment of time I will feel, I will feel eternity.

I've lived to be the very best. I want it all, **no time for less.** I've laid the plans, Now lay the chance here in my hands. Give me one moment in time When I'm more than I thought I could be. When all of my dreams Are a heart beat away And the answers are all up to m. Give me one moment in time When I'm racing with destiny. Then in that one moment of time I will feel, I will feel eternity.

You're a winner for a lifetime If you seize that one moment in time. Make it shine. Give me one moment in time When I'm more than I thought I could be. When all of my dreams Are a heart beat away And the answers are all up to me. Give me one moment in time When I'm racing with destiny. Then in that one moment of time I will be, I will be, I will be free. I will be, I will be free.

As I go through this process of healing and re-definement, I have realized that there really is still so much within my reach. I just need to "lay the plans" and realize that the strength I have gained through every heartache will carry me to a place where I will truly "be free" and happy. My next step is "The List." Regardless of what happens to me in the future, I am determined to come up with a list of things, completely within my control, that I can and will accomplish within the next five years. I am still formulating this list so stay tuned! :)

Thank you for all of your love, concern and support. It really means the world to me.

No News is Not Always Good News

So here's how last week went for me...

Sunday: broke up with Ryan
Monday: stayed in bed all day and didn't talk to anyone
Tuesday: had a breast biopsy
Wednesday: stayed in bed all day and didn't talk to anyone--this time with an ice pack attached to my breast
Thursday: left for work and didn't sleep all night due to a raging toothache which I couldn't take pain meds for because I was still "post-op"
Friday: called the dentist whose office was closed
Saturday: stayed in bed all day drugged up on Valium and pain meds (that I could finally take)

Here's how this week went for me:

Sunday: worked
Monday: worked
Tuesday: worked
Wednesday: went to the dentist, twice, and did laundry
Thursday: worked
Friday (today): slept in until 1pm and updated my blog

I know everyone wants details about my breakup but I'm having a really hard time with it. I'm sad, frustrated, angry, hurt, confused, and about every other emotion. Although I'm not usually short on words, all I can say is that despite everything he said to me, Ryan is emotionally unavailable like every other guy I've ever dated. He is not over his divorce, or his ex-wife for that matter... it has been almost a year and a half. He knows it's messed up that he can't move on, especially with someone he has the utmost respect for--which is why he feels I deserve better than someone who can't give me his whole heart. He needs therapy, and now so do I. But really, I would just like to get a puppy. And get rid of my breasts. I have no husband to enjoy them, no babies who need them, and not only are they so small that the doc could hardly get enough tissue to properly sample, but they are so problem-laden that I would like to just do without them. (A puppy doesn't care if you have breasts or not.) I do not have breast cancer, just worrisome calcium deposits and fluid-filled cysts. Problematic enough, however, that I am now required to get annual mammograms. And because I have never "used" my breasts, they are not elastic and therefore require so much pulling, tugging, and squeezing to get a proper mammogram that I will have to take a Valium next time so I don't get queasy and lightheaded like I did the first time. I guess at least they will get some "use."

Good times. THIS is why I haven't updated my blog...

I try to live by the creed, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," -Thumper. But the first thing my cousin asked me after getting the scoop on Ryan is, "What are you going to put on your blog?" I didn't want to put anything. But I felt I must put something so everyone wouldn't go on being falsely elated for me. I do not, however, want sympathy. It doesn't help and it makes me feel patronized. It will all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, then it isn't the end. Life goes on. It always does.