Plan B

It cannot be fun to read my rantings, but it sure feels nice to get it out. So one of my guy friends (and you know who you are) told me that he reads my blog and can tell I have some hostility towards men. I responded that it isn't like I've been really lucky with men. And later he said something to the effect that he's not that other guy so... And then, the very same day, he has the nerve to agree to hang out with me and then text me at the last minute and tell me it's not gonna happen. Yup, pretty much just stood me up. Now before I jump to conclusions, there could be a misunderstanding or some really good reason. And not that I blame him. He's probably scared of my no-nonsense attitude about guys ('cause seriously, I'm sooo not putting up with anymore nonsense.) Arrgghh. And so fuel has been added to my almost-extinguished fire.

It really makes me wonder what life has in store for me. I mean, it's about 1/3 over and I still am just a nomad of sorts. As my therapist put it, I'm living Plan B and not only am I subconsciously frustrated and angry about it, but I never actually had a Plan B. Who grows up playing "single." No, we all played "Mommy" with our little dolls and pretend kitchens. And then Barbies came along and we fantasized about boys (or at least Ken) and imagined if our future home would look anything like our Barbie condo. But nope... don't remember ever playing "single girl." I don't even know what to expect or what to plan for now. Who really wants to plan a future of being single, and yet it is all that is within my control to plan for. I must make really, really bad decisions about who and how long I date someone. It gives me a lot of confidence in my ability to plan the rest of my life.

So I will just keep puttering along trying to figure out what God has in store for me. And I will be even more grateful for my loving friends and family who support and accept me for who I am and what I do have to offer. You all are such seriously special people. :) You are my future and my family, and what I want to put my time and effort into. You are all the best! Thank you for sharing your lives and your families with me. It really means the world--you have no idea. It helps me so much as I learn to grow and accept the path my life has taken. You were all part of my Plan A, but completely my Plan B--and I couldn't be more thrilled.

Destinations

Wow! Can you believe it? Three posts in three days. I'm getting the hang of this again. So I feel bad about my gratuitous use of the word B-I-... yesterday. I told you I was grumpy. But today is a new day. Yes, I'm still way bugged, but I'm a strong girl. Bitterness isn't really a part of who I am. I have spent a great deal of time and energy over my lifetime making sure that is the case and I'm not about to allow some guy to change that. So I did look on LDSSingles.com and found a few prospects. It's kind of like when you spend your whole life dreaming of going to Rome and then find out all the trips are booked the only week you can go, you start looking through the catalogue of other destinations just to remind yourself that Rome is not the only cool city in the world. Speaking of which...

I'm going to Frankfurt, Germany next week! I have always wanted to go to Germany and even took a year of German in high school. I still remember a few phrases, you know-the important ones, like "where is the bathroom," "how much is that," "I'm hungry," "I'm thirsty," and "excuse me..." I've found that last one is very important in my travels. People are much kinder and more helpful if you use common courtesy. In Russia, I learned "ease-vay-neetsya" is excuse me. (I have no idea how to really spell it.) ...Just in case you ever need to know.

See, there are always options. And I am actually more excited about my upcoming trip to Germany than I would've been for Rome anyway because I can brush up on my German and get a chance to try it out. I told you I never stay mad for long. It's a blessing of being an optimist.

Stay tuned for my Germany pics... and I just got a new camera so they will be awesome, I promise!

Aw Schucks!

My friends are sooooo nice. That would be why you are my friends. You are all so supportive of my blog. Unfortunately, today I am only here to ramble, or vent, rather.

I once told my cousin, Jenn, that every guy I have dated has said I am the nicest girl they have ever dated. She responded that maybe that was my problem. (We were discussing, or rather I was lamenting, about my singlehood.) However, let me just reinforce the saying that "Hell hath no fury like a women scorned." "Nice" went out the door for me today. Sorry, loves, no details, but I will say that I surprised myself by reacting in a manner so unlike me to a recent situation with a guy. OK, a few details. Am I alone in thinking that Facebook is retarded in that the "Wall" is sometimes used for such crap as playing little mind games? I'm sure of all my friends would never stoop to such levels, but some people might as well just spray paint their message on a real wall (or a bathroom stall for that matter.) Tacky. Classless. If it's a personal message, send a text or email for cryin' out loud. But for a girl to put on a guy's website something like "You were wonderful this weekend. Have a nice day" in my opinion, has claw marks written all over it. When I pointed this out to the guy, he said I was overreacting. And boy did I overreact then! I mean, who does that but someone who is trying to send a message to his other readers that he is "taken" (though he says they're not together). I wasn't hurt or really jealous, just completely annoyed that he couldn't see through her little game, and worse, that I end up looking like the insecure, bitchy girl. Whatever. It's not like I posted about the nice weekend he and I spent together... and I refrained specifically so as not to hurt this particular girl's feelings because I know she feels insecure about he much he likes me. You see, supposedly they've broken up several times and "she just keeps coming back," ...so he says. Who needs this garbage, anyway? Movin' on... but I'm still pissed about it, and I rarely stay mad about anything.

As for all the jealousy over my travels. Here's the truth... it's still just a job. And try as I may to glamorize it in my own mind, it is still just a job. You see, it's fun to go to places all over the world, but when you're not sharing it with someone special, it takes away some of the magic. But at least I can share my pictures of it with all of you and you can live vicariously through me, although I would be just as happy living vicariously through all of you with your handsome husbands and cute little kiddies. You see, being a nurturer is in my blood; and getting blankets and peanuts for complete strangers just doesn't cut it. Nope, not the same. Thank goodness for my sister and her husband for being so generous in sharing their home and family with me to fill up that void a bit. But I wouldn't mind a place of my own, too--it just sounds so lonely. So for now I will continue to be a parasite, living off of the generosity of others. But I do pitch in and they love, but love, having a babysitter handy. And I cook a lot. Tidy... not so much, but I have a houseful of stuff in a little itty bitty room (what hasn't been crammed into my storage unit and their garage.) But I am eternally grateful for that little room. We've seen some good times together. OK, and some really crappy times like all the months I was curled up in a ball in bed all day while still reeling physically and emotionally from my accident. (Of course, I couldn't assume the balled up position for a few months while my broken bones healed, but you get the idea.)

Speaking of which, (insert drum roll here), the topic everyone loves (not)... my accident. I'm sorry if I go on and on about it. It drives my Dad crazy. But it has had such a profound effect on my life. I would go through it all again for what I gained. However, despite my gratitude (isn't it funny how people always are so "lucky" after an accident...?!?), when I recently passed the year mark, I kind of went into an emotional funk. So I talked to my doctor about it (yeah, I had to see a shrink, but she's great--best friends with my therapist and married to my dentist) and she said that is pretty normal... and then she refused to take me off the medication she has me on for sleep and anxiety. Sigh. I swear it made me gain weight and is keeping it there until I get off of it.
So now you know I'm a little messed up, but what'd ya expect after such an ordeal?!? I like to think I'm handling it well, but I lost a little faith in myself after I started feeling all vulnerable again. But that is now sooo last month. Obviously I have new things to think about and make me feel vulnerable, like my new-found bitchiness. I swear it's not PMS, just an explosion of emotions that were bound to come out some time. Nothing like a man to bring out the worst in you. Arrgghh! And yet I complain about being single. I just have to keep telling myself that all men are not that dumb or blind. But oh yeah, it was me. Silly Patti, you're just overreacting. Girls don't play little games like that. She was just saying she had a nice weekend. Whatever!?! I don't play those kinds of games but I know that most girls do. Perhaps, yet again, another reason for me not being married. But don't worry my friends, apparently I am getting closer to my goal by not being nice and learning to play games. (Of course, no offense intended to those of you who are married--that would be all of you-- I think my theory only applies as the dating game gets more complicated with age. I'm sure you all never had to stoop to such measures to snag your men.) But don't get all excited that I'm dating. It's not like that at all. Just a little thing that is not going anywhere anytime soon. Especially not now. Did I ever tell you about the waiter my cousins got to take me out after we all had lunch together? Not only was he smoking when I showed up at the theater, but in the middle of the show he sweetly says, "Excuse me. I'll be right back... I gotta take a piss." Yes, he really said that. So don't go gettin' all excited for me. It just ain't lookin' so bright for me right now. But heh, there's always LDSSingles.com. Someone far away would be good...

So as not to leave on such an irritable note, here are a few more Star Wars quotes to toss around... (I love those movies!)

"Dwell on the could haves, we must not. Focus on the solution, we must...." Yoda
"Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view." OB1-Wan Kenobi
"Named must your fear be, before banish it you can." Yoda

Too Little, Too Late

I think my "readers" are dwindling due to my embarassing efforts to keep up my blog. It's just that every time I get on the internet to do ANYthing, it seems to suck up so much of my time... so I have truthfully been avoiding it. But to document the last few weeks, I have some pictures of my latest adventures to Edinburgh, Scotland and to Moscow, Russia. My time is always so short on my international layovers that I have barely enough time to see the sites. However, I strangely manage to spend a great deal of money in that short amount of time!


Other than my trips, I have recently been enjoying a little time off at home in Colorado... yes I LIVE there (still, or is it again?) I had a great time at a cousins' lunch with some of my favorite people--Allison, Jen, Julia, and of course my sis, Andrea. Girls are so much fun--and so much easier to find lasting girlfriends than guy friends (or otherwise). Sigh.


I have also been devouring the latest book craze, The Twilight Saga, and am just beginning book 4. They are definitely time suckers and seem to have an immense effect on my vocabulary as I just noticed after my use of such words as, "devour" and "suckers." ...You'd have to read the books to understand! It's my "safe" little world right now and I'm quite OK with that fantasy world taking over my life for now. I'm sad I'm almost done.

Well, no promises about future updates, but I will try. However, as Yoda would say, "Do or do not... there is no try." Yeah, yeah. I know. He also said, "When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not." Sometimes I feel like I'm headed down that road a little more quickly. Ha! ha!

Delinquent

Yes, I know. I've been a little absent... just when everyone is wondering about my glamorous new job. :) Well, the truth is that, like every other job, it is still a job. But I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! (Insert a thousand smiley faces here.) New York City, on the other hand... a nice place to visit, but not my idea of a great place to live. What was I thinking?!? I wouldn't even live in downtown SLC! It's growing on me, but I'm definitely a Burb Girl. I mean, how can one properly grocery shop in a 20X20 corner shop? But since no one has enough room to cook in their shoebox apartments, I suppose that's OK. However, since I don't like it when people knock where I live ('cause really I am keeping my "home" at Andrea's and keeping a room only in NYC for when I have to work) I will just chalk it up to personal preferences- and mine is a Target and a Costco within 20 miles in any direction that I don't have to use public transportation to access. Did you know that my first NYC apartment was a mere 13 miles from the airport... and a 2 hour subway ride?!?! To top that, it took me over two hours one day just to "quickly" go and pick up some screws to put up a shelf. That so would have been a 20 minute job in the burbs with my car and a Home Depot on every corner. :)

But the good stuff... where have I been?!?! Good question. The truth is, half of the time I wake up and I'm not really sure where I am. Ha! ha! It's true though. One of my favorite parts of my job is staying in nice hotels all by myself. Most of my trips are domestic flights from NYC to the West Coast... SFO, SEA, PDX, SLC, DEN, ONT etc. Yes, I now write in code... airport codes. (Translation available at http://www.world-airport-codes.com/.) I've done a few trips to Sao Paulo, Brazil and got to fly over the Amazon River in the cockpit. It is seriously like trees, trees, a small ocean, and then more trees for about 3 hours. And I am just finishing up my very first trip to Europe EVER! I am in Edinburgh, Scotland right now and it really takes my breath away. It is amazing here. I feel like I'm in a Harry Potter movie, walking down Diagon Alley. And I ate last night at the little place where she wrote the books, too. Such a picturesque little town... so quaint and not all dirty and modernized like I imagine many other older cities to be (ie NYC with it's friendly rat and garbage population, but I digress--sorry to my NYC friends--I'm just a baby about rats and stuff.)

Anyway, I'd love to write more and post a pic, but I must be off. I have a plane to catch. :) I promise not to be so delinquent about updating my blog. I have lots of stories to tell. It really has been a roller coaster, though, trying to figure out where to live and adjusting to a new job and lifestyle. But rest assured, I am having the time of my life and enjoying every moment of it (except the rats, of course.) Love to all, Patti