On My Mind...

I'm working all of this Thanksgiving week. And I worked all of last week. I'm not too sad about it although I was at first. Mainly because I was worried that I had done irreparable damage with my little texting stunt and then left for two weeks not really knowing where we were at. But alas, my friends, all is well. I think we just needed a little time to let the dust settle. No more being retarded for me. I'm actually going to have to face my fears instead of running from them.

Since this is a quickie, I'm not going into too much detail about my thoughts the past week or so except to say I realized I have some emotional issues regarding emotional closeness, letting go, feeling vulnerable, etc. that I didn't realize were still affecting me. In a nutshell, I like my job because I'm not forced to make lasting relationships (good or bad) with anyone I work with because I always work with different crews and see different passengers. It takes a lot of stress off of me because I don't feel like I adequately nourish the relationships I already have with so many wonderful friends and family. Furthermore, by limiting my acquaintances to my tried and true, thick and thin friends, I'm not running the risk of getting hurt. Sounds lame, I know, but it is actually cathartic to say goodbye to my crew after 3-4 days... instead of crying my eyes out after leaving a job with great co-workers I have grown to love. You all know how bad I am at letting go of... well, anything really. It's hard to explain, but I don't have to feel vulnerable--an unfortunate lasting effect of having my life pulled out from under me like a not-so-magic carpet.

So that's what's been on my mind. The slow realization that I can let things go. I don't have to become attached to everything. And the weight off my shoulders feels really good!

Unsaid

So I just spent a half hour writing a new blog post only to decide that it wasn't worth sharing. I was just being "such a girl!" It was a little cathartic, but I couldn't quite pinpoint where my thoughts and emotions were (and are) coming from and even if they're rational. Although we are all entitled to that, some things are better left unsaid. So I saved it as a draft, will never publish it, and I feel a little better. Some times, less is more.

Confessions of a Sky Princess: Welcome to Your New Job

This one comes from my very first day as a flight attendant. (By the way, I don’t think I’m a princess, but a lot of these other chicks sure think they are!)

She was a seemingly classy and polished flight attendant in her 40’s who was working in the back of the “Mad Dog” with me. (That would be an MD-88 aircraft.) All was going relatively well. As we set up the galley for snacks we made small talk. She asked if I was married (as if that somehow identifies people) and then she proceeded to tell me how that weekend she was “contemplating” 5 marriage proposals. Yes, five. Then she started going on about them, the pros and cons… mostly pastor/religious status and how well they could each take care of here (a.k.a. money.) Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I thought, hey, she’s an attractive lady, maybe she just knows how to work a room.

Later, once we had landed, I was happily saying goodbye to the passengers when I noticed her glaring at me, interphone (plane phone) in hand. Oooops! I realized I had forgotten to disarm my door (which means disable the emergency slide so it doesn’t accidentally deploy and hurt someone—a necessary step before any of the doors can be opened.) I took care of it and responded on my phone to the head FA that it was done. Everyone was all panicky because I guess they thought there was some sort of problem. So “Bernice” comes up and starts telling me how I am going to lose my job because I forgot that step. I believed her and started to cry. I told her I didn’t hear the announcement because my ears were all plugged up from flying and the PA system on those planes is barely audible. After I had calmed down and been assured by the Flight Leader “Susan” that I would not be losing my job, I was told that really, Bernice should have just taken care of my door or come and got me rather than sit and stare at me. Besides, we are supposed to check each other’s doors. Weirdo lady.

But it gets better. On the next leg of our flight, she brought it up again and I said I just hadn’t heard the announcement about preparing my door for arrival. So she immediately closed her eyes, folded her arms, and stepped close enough to touch my arm with her hand. Then her eyelids started doing some strange fluttering thing—like a kid pretending to be asleep, only way more spastic. Then she opened her eyes and informed me that she had just prayed that God would open up my ears… like she had done me some great act of healing.

But it gets better still! Once we got to our hotel in Richmond, she saw a sign announcing a wedding being held at the hotel that evening. While Susan and I made plans to go to dinner, Bernice said she wouldn’t be joining us because she was going to attend the wedding. “Seriously?” I asked. “Did you even bring something to wear?” asked Susan. “Oh, I’ll just wear my uniform suit,” to which I responded (while managing to keep my jaw from dropping), “So you’re going to crash a wedding in your uniform?!?” Bernice answered, “Oh yes. I have a way with people, they won’t mind. I just need to keep my mind focused and this will help me make my decision,” (about which proposal to accept.) ***People, I am NOT making this up.*** It turns out she overslept and “missed” the wedding, but STIIIIL!

And the cherry on top… The next day we were preparing the carts for the snack and beverage service. She had put the napkins in their little spot and I turned them upside so the fold was up. I didn’t learn this in training, but it doesn’t take a genius to realize that if the edges are up, every time you pull a napkin up, it comes unfolded. And when you hand out 100 of them, it ends up taking a lot of extra time to fold them all back together before graciously handing it to the guest with their beverage. (I tell you, it’s an art form, lol!) Anyway, so I thought it would make us more efficient if I turned them around. I just figured she had put them in there haphazardly and it was no big deal. But OH!… Apparently it WAS a big deal. She didn’t waste a second telling me, “It’s no wonder you’re not married. You’re such a control freak.” And she was dead serious. Not only did I think to myself, “Well not everyone can have 5 proposals to choose from!” but I also thought with horror, “Welcome to your new job!”

"Do Over"

Okay, I'm going to swallow my pride and give you the real story about what happened with Mr. Darcy...

I panicked.

We were sitting there having a nice evening. We finished up a movie and the night was still young. He had just bought a new video game and very thoughtfully asked if I minded if he played it and said we could even still cuddle while he played. I said sure, and I was really fine with it... for about 5 minutes. I was sitting peacefully listening to the hum of the game when suddenly, I FREAKED out. My mind started racing as it often (OK, always) does and I began having flashbacks of relationships past when my "man" was reduced to a video-game-playing boy. This usually happened after, oh I don't know 2-3 years, lol. But I started thinking, "Oh no! what if...." and playing out all the scenarios in my head of how this one little thing could ultimately mean the demise of our relationship. So, rather than allowing another 2-3 years before my fear could come to fruition and become a driving wedge between us, it seemed logical at that moment to just save myself the 2-3 years of heartache and, um, yeah... end things.

To make things worse, I said nothing. I simply jumped up, said I had to go because I was suddenly tired and refused his offers to walk me to my car. Then I got home and, um, sorta sent him a text that basically said, "Thanks for everything, not gonna work, see ya." ...I KNOW!!!! How retarded was that?!? I'm fessing up to my uber-humiliating display of junior-high, no elementary school antics (think of passing a note that says, "do you want to break up with me, mark yes or no" except I didn't give him any boxes to mark.) The rest of what transpired I'll keep between him and me, except to say that he is amazingly understanding (after mulling over it for a few days) and allowed my request for a "do over." This is a technique I heard about from a couple that spoke to my singles ward once, except I think they called it "start over." Same thing. The idea is that when you really flub up, you request to just start the whole incident over and do it the way you wish you had the first time. It takes a very mature person to accept such a request and to look past the idiocracy of such childish ways. Thank goodness, Mr. Darcy is just such a person, despite his occasional fancy for a video game. (Except I still feel like a retard and I think my craziness quotient still might have gone up with him.) So we're sorta back to before the spark died. Except for it's after and the spark isn't dead, if that makes sense. Whew! Close call.

Did I mention that I'm retarded? Just making sure.

Thanks, babe, you're the best!

Peanut Butter Bars (from my cousin Rochelle)

These are soooo yummy. They're like the ones I had for school lunch when I was little. (I actually liked school lunch. But even the school-lunch haters liked these!) ENJOY!!

PEANUT BUTTER BARS:
Cream together: 1 C butter, 1 C peanut butter, 1 C sugar, 2 eggs, 1 C brown sugar, ½ tsp vanilla

Mix together then add to wet mixture: 1 tsp baking soda, 1 ½ C flour, 1 tsp salt, 1 ½ C oats

Mix well then spread on a large cookie sheet. Bake at 375º for 12-15 minutes (or until golden brown). Cool slightly. Spread a thin layer of PB and cool completely. Frost (see recipe below). Refrigerate before serving.

FROSTING:
¾ cube butter, 5 Tbsp milk, 4 Tbsp cocoa, 2 ½ C powdered sugar

Mix well and frost bars once peanut butter layer has cooled. Refrigerate before serving.

Fall is My Middle Name

I love this time of year. Fall is by far my favorite season. I love crunching leaves, bundling up, pulling out all of my sweaters, making soup, Christmas shopping (I always start early), and most of all... the gorgeous, deep colors of the leaves in a golden fall sunset. Ahhhh. New York is even amazingly tolerable in the fall. The leaves are beautiful there, too, and without the heat, the subways seem to smell less.

As for the recent happenings in my life, I decided I should write a Seinfield-esque show about my job. Seriously. The funniest dang things happen at 35,000 feet. I'll tell ya what, the weirdness comes out of everyone when they travel. Everyone's OCD comes out of the woodwork, even people who don't think they have OCD. I'll have to start sharing some of the oddities I have come across... and not just passengers; Some of my coworkers are completely nutszo, too. It's some great material. On my most recent trip, the plane took off while I was standing in the aisle--in the middle of the plane nowhere near my jumpseat. And it was not my fault. The flight leader and the pilots failed to let us know in the back that we were ready for takeoff, so I was helping a mom get her toddler buckled up. It's not like I can see out the windows as I walk, and I was over the wings anyway. So to avoid falling flat on my face as we jetted from zero to 200 in about 5 seconds, I fell into the empty seat that was luckily available since the mom decided to hold the child (who was under two) and buckled up. I was laughing but kept saying, "Oh crap! This has got to be an FAA violation!" The flight attendant working in the back with me said it was a first for her to see an FA in the aisle during takeoff--and she's been working for over 10 years. (In case you were wondering if this happens often.)

As for my cute friend, Rick, well... he is just my cute friend, Rick. "We've lost that loving feeling, whoaaa that loving feeling..." It was kind of weird but we both sort of felt like the spark just died. We have fun together, but I started to feel like it was never going beyond that. He agreed. So we are truly "just friends." So cliche, but you all know that I am indeed friends with most of my exes. Of course, I can't even completely let go of a favorite old pair of shoes, let alone someone that I have really cared about. So that's the update. "Once upon a time I was falling in love..." Sorry to disappoint, but trust me, I'm disappointed too. I watched the primary program in my mom's ward yesterday and in a way, it broke my heart to see all those beautiful kiddies and the faces of their proud parents. It's something I want more than anything, but I have to accept that it may not be in the cards for me. Honestly, I could probably live without the husband part (although it would be nice to have someone to cuddle up to at night), but I don't think I can go through life without being able to raise a child of my own. Maybe I'll have to hire a "baby mama" hahahaha! Just kidding, but that show was hilarious!

Not to worry, though, 'cause life is still good! No only did I indulge in Peppermint ice cream and by making my favorite tortilla soup, but I'm going to try and pick up another international trip soon. That'll cheer me up! I have to work Thanksgiving--all week--and likely Christmas as well. However, I need to get the plate and screws removed from my collarbone soon, so I have devised a plan to have surgery around Christmas so I can get it off. I mean, so I will have someone around to help take care of me! Seriously, though, the harness I have wear on the jumpseat rubs it and it hurts, so the sooner the better. I also fell down the stairs over a month ago and am still having a lot of shoulder pain (other side). I'm just falling apart, lol! Honestly, though, I am known to be a bit clumsy and accident prone, but what's a girl to do?

I just finished reading Austenland by Shannon Hale. Another treat to feed my Austen addiction. "She believed now in earnest that fantasy is not practice for what is real--fantasy is the opiate of women" (page 180).

The most romantic line of the book is when the hero tells the leading lady, "And if I don't make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world every day of your life, then I don't deserve to be near you" (page 190).

And the most self-revealing quote of the whole book, the one I dedicate to my dear friend, Rick, "I don't know how to have a fling. I'm not good at playing around and then saying good-bye. I'm throwing myself at your feet because I'm hoping for a shot at forever. You don't have to say anything now, no promises required. I just thought you should know" (page 190).

Long live Mr. Darcy!