Fears and My Fave Five

I spent a few days in Denver last week to see my nieces perform. My mom also flew to Denver for the occasion. She went there to help my sister drive to Utah with her kids. I'm not gonna lie... that made me sooOoo nervous. To me, that was like having the President and the Vice President flying on the same plane! My five most favorite people in the world--all together in the same car on the unpredictable highways between Denver and Salt Lake City. My biggest fear in life is something bad happening (some sort of tragic accident) to people I love... getting that terrifying phone call or knock on the door. I have a panic attack whenever I follow my sister driving with her kids. I cannot imagine having to watch something happen to them. I'm not even scared about me getting into another car accident but somehow it has transferred to a fear of something happening to someone else. I deeply understand the reality of just how dangerous driving anywhere can be. The fact that I rarely drive much now--because I am usually flying-- doesn't help. And I'm not just talking about road trips. They are probably safer because you are on a highway versus surface streets with intersections and traffic lights.

I thought I was over it. But when I get that low rumble of fear in my gut that gains strength and momentum as it rises through my chest and into my head and extremities, I realize I am far from "over it." Will it ever go away? ...The fear, I mean? My doctor gave me Valium to take if I ever have a panic attack, but that isn't so useful when I'm stuck in traffic watching an ambulance take someone away while I am hyperventilating. I was doing so well in terms of moving past the fear, but I am told it is common to have "relapses," especially if something triggers it--like seeing a bad accident, being separated from people I love, etc. But all in all, I have to say that I feel like a survivor, not a victim. I thank the Lord every day for my life and the people in... for the chance to know and love them, to experience the little things in their lives and mine; I consciously strive to make each moment matter, though I often fall short, because I cannot get it out of my mind that it can all be gone in an instant. I am ever grateful for the daily reminders of this precious truth. I pray for peace and direction and to know how to really live my best life. I even recently prayed that I wouldn't want things I couldn't have and I have felt an even greater peace in my existence and the richness of my life.

It just goes to show how intertwined fear and faith can be. I believe that any trial, any fear, and any heartache can be turned inside-out with a spirit of gratitude and optimism to refine us and help us to be our best selves. Life is the greatest of all schools. Heartache is the greatest of all teachers. And love is the greatest of all healers.